Blonde (2022)

I

know I’m a little late to the show on this one, but after finally watching Blonde, I felt like I had to voice my thoughts on it. I’ve always been an admirer of the performers of old. So, when I saw the first minute-long Netflix teaser of Ana de Armas as the legendary Marilyn Monroe, I was stoked. Blonde is a fictionalized story of the late movie star’s life and is based on the 2000 novel of the same name by author Joyce Carol Oates (a fact I was unaware of going in). Once the movie hit the streaming service, I threw it onto my list and there it sat while I tore through the tower of other films on my many other lists. Finally, I sat down with my wife, and, with no idea of what to put on, we both came to the conclusion: “Hey! Let’s watch Blonde!” Prior to our viewing we both had avoided any reviews or news regarding the film and went into the movie completely oblivious to what was about to come.

     The first thing I noticed was the cinematography. Some of the shots are well executed and masterful, while others come across as either random or pretentious, with various changes in aspect ratio and color saturation. At first, I thought they had a specific meaning and were related to how Marilyn and/or the people around in her life portrayed her while she was either in the public eye or in her private life as Norma Jeane Mortenson. However, this was later disproved by various scenes that contradicted this theory, resulting in scenes that felt randomly shot at most times.

     Secondly, there are a lot of scenes that felt downright exploitative for the sake of just being so. I thought this was a metaphor for how Marilyn was exploited by so many in her life, but after several more scenes, it just felt like the director was looking for an excuse to show Armas breasts again. One scene in particular of a fictionalized event is notably disgraceful.

                             — Trigger Warning —

     The scene in question shows a rendezvous between Marilyn and President John F Kennedy, where he flies her out to Washington D.C just so he can get a blow job while simultaneously talking on the phone in which he’s trying to refute claims of sexual abuse. The scene drags on as we get an explicit close-up of the sex act as Marilyn tries to disassociate and reminds herself to “swallow and don’t throw up.” All while the 35th President calls her a “dirty slut.” Then, after she’s all done, JFK violently throws her down and we get a flash to white in which afterward we see Marilyn in a state suggesting that she was just sexually assaulted.

                                 — End Warning —

     I fully tuned out once we got the famous shot of Marilyn lying dead in her bed, but instead of cutting to black and ending the film there, she stands up, belly covered in blood, and says “what a horrible dream.” After some more scenes of Marilyn reading the letters from her absent father, I checked to see how much time was left in the movie. Upon seeing that there were still twenty-plus minutes left of the 2 hours and 47-minute total runtime, we both unanimously agreed to shut it off and turn in for the night.

     On a slightly positive note: I will say that Ana de Armas was made to play Marilyn Monroe. She is truly amazing in the role and truly gives it her all on the screen and, by all rights, should be proud of herself. However, it is incredibly unfortunate that this is the film in which she gave such a performance. I will warn anyone who was expecting to watch a hard-hitting biopic about Marilyn Monroe’s life, to just stay away from this movie and spend your time doing something else. Anything else. Ultimately, Blonde is a pretentious slog of a film that serves very little to the actual trials and tribulations of the real-life Marilyn Monroe, and in my opinion, degrades her memory, as well as those around her.